


You Were Mine

by brightlyharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Established Relationship, Lack of Communication, Lonely Harry, M/M, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Oblivious Harry, Online Friendship, Sad, Sad Louis, Troubled Marriage, a little smut, married, sad sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-13 09:18:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21241757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightlyharry/pseuds/brightlyharry
Summary: Harry and Louis hardly speak to each other unless they're fighting. Harry has ran out of ways to try to repair their broken marriage and Louis can't be bothered to even try. When the loneliness becomes too much, he joins a new social media app. It doesn't take him long to make a new friend on there that helps pull him out of his solitary hell. The more they talk, the more Harry finds comfort in his anonymous friend. He is smiling and laughing again for the first time in months.He soon discovers that Louis is smiling again too, and it's not because of him.





	You Were Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> If that summary scared you, spoiler alert, Louis and Harry are talking to each other online. I've wanted to write something like this for a while and put my own spin on the idea, so here it is. I know to some people, this can borderline be considered cheating in a way, but since they're secretly talking to each other, I don't consider it that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy. :)
> 
> The title sort of comes from the song "Your Whatever" by lovelytheband. The song has nothing to do with the story really, but I love the song and couldn't come up with a title.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr [here](https://brightlyharry.tumblr.com/)

If Harry could go back and do one thing differently, he's not sure what he would need to change to make his current situation better. Over the last six months, he's rattled his brain, trying to figure out where he went wrong. Was it something that he said or didn't say? Perhaps he's stopped doing something that he's done before that's caused this rift between them? If Harry only knew where he personally went wrong, then maybe he could figure out where to begin to fix this. He could start putting him and Louis back together. 

As of now, he and Louis are hardly speaking. Which might be considered healthier than the dozens of small fights they've gotten into recently. The pettiest little things will set Louis off. It's like they can't speak to each other anymore unless they're arguing. 

Harry knows exactly when this happened. He knows the moment his marriage started crumbling at the seams, but he didn't expect it. As difficult as that day was, Harry thought the loss would bring them closer. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that it would cause them to drift further apart then they've ever been. 

He could try speaking to Louis about it. He has tried before, but he's learned his lesson. Louis either yells at him, leaves the room or will ignore him completely until Harry stops talking. Clearly, it's not something Louis feels he can talk to his husband of nearly five years about.

So Harry's stopped talking about it too. Both of them, skirting around each other. Harry wonders if Louis has considered them separating. It's crossed Harry's mind a couple of times, but he feels if he tells Louis he wants to separate, they'll officially be over. It's not like he has Louis truly the way things are now, but at least he's not gone forever. Legally, Louis is still his husband this way and Harry's not sure he's ready to sever that last tie holding them together. 

It's been HarryandLouis for so long, Harry's not sure he knows how to be just Harry anymore. A part of him is too afraid to even consider the thought. Which is why he's still here now, in their house cooking dinner for him and Louis. It's safer to keep things as they are.

Louis should be home any minute now from work. Harry's got stuffed peppers in the oven that are almost finished cooking. A chocolate pie he baked earlier is still sitting on a pot holder on the counter. Chocolate pie is Louis' favorite, but he didn't make it for Louis, per se. He just happened to notice he had all the ingredients for it in the cabinets. He wouldn't be upset though if the pie did happen to make Louis smile at him for once. Harry would even settle for a twitch of the lips at this point.

The timer on the oven sounds off, and Harry pulls the peppers from the oven, placing them on the stove top. As he's turning off the timer, Louis comes through the side door in the kitchen. Harry glances at him, watching as Louis hangs his keys on the key ring by the door, then sits his lunchbox on the counter top where he always does before making his way out of the kitchen, his eyes never once landing on Harry.

"Hey," Harry speaks up, causing Louis to pause his hasty exit from the kitchen. 

"Hey," Louis simply replies. He's looking at Harry finally.

"Dinner is ready. It just needs to cool." Harry starts to pull two plates from the top cabinet.

"I ate earlier. But thanks." Louis nods his head once and Harry's arms freeze, leaving the plates up in the cabinets. 

"Where did you eat?" Harry asks.

"McDonalds. I finished up early at work so I met with Niall and we ate."

His mouth pops open, but he clamps it shut. Taking a few breaths, he moves a hand to his hip. "You didn't call and ask if I wanted to come eat."

"You don't like McDonalds," Louis simply states.

"That's not the point," Harry grits out in frustration. "You could have called and asked if I wanted you to bring me something home."

"Are you really doing this right now?" Louis' eyes narrow, then he brings his left hand up to rub over his face. 

The silver band still on his finger mocks Harry, reminding him of how they were when he put that ring on Louis' finger. He feels himself getting more annoyed the longer he stares at it. "You never consider me in anything you do anymore. Do you not see how fucked up this is?"

"And you're any better?" Louis says, dryly. His voice seems as calm as if Harry were asking him about his day. "You have your own life too, Harry. It would have been more weird if I did call."

Louis is starting to walk off, and that's making Harry even angrier. He doesn't want the Louis that runs away. Not tonight. If he can piss Louis off, that'll force Louis to at least speak to him. 

"At least I'm trying! You're not doing shit!"

Just as he thought, that gets Louis storming back into the kitchen, those blue eyes blazing with a fire that Harry hasn't seen in a while. It beats the hell out of indifference. 

"I'm here aren't I? I come home to you every god damn night. I'm sorry I can't put on a fucking show like you, Betty Crocker." Louis waves his hands manically around the kitchen, gesturing to the food Harry's made. "I can't pretend and go on like everything is fine when it's not."

"How is cooking dinner acting like everything is fine?" Harry bellows out.

"Because you're just going on about your life like nothing happened." Louis glares at the pie on the counter before turning back to Harry. "I can't do that."

The heat behind Louis' gaze is simmering out. The expression on his face is so pitiful, that Harry is tempted to reach out and comfort him. To wrap Louis in his arms and make him feel safe the way Louis used to do for him. Instead, he lowers his voice, hoping his soft tone alone might be enough to soothe Louis. 

"I'm not trying to pretend. But life goes on, Lou. We have to pick up the pieces and move on the best we can." Harry bravely takes a step closer to Louis. "Who knows? Maybe one day, we can even-"

"No," Louis cuts him off. "I'll never go through that again." He sounds so sure and resolved that another piece of Harry's heart breaks in two. "I can't move on from that. I'm getting by. That's all I've got." Louis shrugs his shoulders. "I wish you could understand that." Then heads out of the kitchen once again leaving Harry alone again. 

*********

Later, after Harry's eaten dinner alone and taken his own shower, he's sprawled out on the bed on his back, his limbs starfishing out in all directions. Louis would rather sleep on the couch tonight since Harry noticed Louis had his bed pillow and a black and white checkered blanket already set up as a makeshift bed. He's been sleeping there for months.

Harry can't be bothered anymore. If that's what Louis wants to do, then Harry will let him do it. The thing is, he's burned out. He's exhausted with trying and fighting and getting nowhere, so he'll leave Louis to his own devices for now on. 

More bed space for him.

He taps the tip of his index finger against the corner of his phone in thought, watching as the app he'd just downloaded installs on his phone. His stomach flutters with unease once he the app fully installs and he clicks on the blue icon to pull it up.

Harry's still unsure if what he's doing is wrong or not. He'd heard a lot about the app, Chatter recently. From what he's seen, it's an app more focused on meaningful conversations and connections, rather than apps like Grindr which the sole purpose is to find hookups. He doesn't want to hookup. He's not even seeking making a connection. Harry's just desperate to talk to anyone at this point.

Often times, he's wanted to talk to his friends about his failing marriage, but his friends are Louis' friends and it seems unfair to Louis still to badmouth him to them. Harry's also considered opening up to his mother or his sister, but he doesn't want to potentially warp their opinions of his spouse, especially if he and Louis do somehow find a way out of this hell. His mum and Gemma would both take Harry's side, and he knows that, but they both think highly of Louis. For some reason, Harry would like to keep it that way. 

With no other viable options, it hits him that maybe talking to a complete stranger anonymously is the solution. That's all he's wanting to do. Hopefully, someone could possibly give him some helpful advice. His intent isn't to do anything wrong, so it's technically not wrong, right?

He sighs deeply as he starts filling out the basic information- his name, age, birthday. He makes sure to mark the option to keep all of that information private on his profile, the anonymity of it being important to him.

Finally, he gets to the part of actually setting up his profile. He doesn't want to leave it completely blank and discourage people from interacting with him. He knows he needs to give a little. He's still rattling his brain for a username, as he scoots up in bed. His eyes catch on his pink, purple and green paisley printed cotton shorts, which spark an idea. He stretches his leg out against his white sheets, taking a photo of just his thigh, half covered by the shorts. 

Profile picture done. He uses that as his inspiration for his username too. 

PaisleyPrince is what he settles on. Grinning to himself, he finishes going through setting up his profile. 

In the "Seeking" box, he chooses "man", moving down to the next box asking what he's looking for specifically. Without hesitation, he chooses "Friendship" and "Conversation" as his answers. 

After clicking to save his information, he sits his phone down, feeling slightly too overwhelmed to continue browsing the app. He remembers the pie from earlier and decides he's earned some after the day he's had. It's not like anyone is seeing him naked anyway, so he can devour a huge slice of pie at ten at night if he wants to. 

Crawling out of bed, he heads straight for the kitchen. The TV is playing in the living room, but Harry doesn't pay it any mind as he opens the fridge door. He grabs the pie dish and frowns, when he notices through the clear glass lid that a piece is missing. He sits the pie on the counter harshly, letting the glass dish clang against the marble countertop. He hopes Louis was sleeping. Maybe if he's awake now, he'll tell Harry how much he enjoyed the pie he bitched about.

Unfuckinglikely.

Harry takes off the lid, then grabs a knife and spatula to serve himself a piece. Once the pie is back in the fridge and he's got his plate in one hand and a glass of milk in the other, he glances into the living room. The top of Louis' head is laying against his pillow that is propped up on the arm of the couch. He's awake but his eyes are looking down at his phone, his face slightly illuminated by the faint blue light, his finger scrolling on the screen. Harry scowls, then heads to his room.

*********

Piling the clean, warm laundry into the basket, Harry hauls the clothes to his bedroom to fold. Once there, he sits the basket down on the bed and takes a seat beside it, tucking one of his legs underneath him. Doing laundry has never bothered him as much as some of the other household chores he does. With Louis working full days at the office and Harry running his own freelancing photography business, it's always made more sense for Harry to pick up the homemaking duties. Not to mention, he wanted to do it all back then. He wanted to be the best husband he could be for his hard working man back when he was still a newlywed.

He picks up an Adidas t-shirt of Louis' and he feels the familiar loneliness settling in his bones. He lifts the shirt to his nose and sniffs, already knowing Louis' scent has been washed off. Pulling the shirt from his nose, he folds it and sits it on the bed to start a stack of Louis' clothes. It crosses his mind that he hasn't checked Chatter since he made the account last night. His notifications were off so his phone wouldn't vibrate during the night and wake him. 

Unable to wait now that he's thought about it, he picks up his phone opening up the app. Three new messages are waiting in his inbox and he feels a flutter of nerves in his stomach for some reason. It's not like he's doing anything wrong. He has to remind himself of that. His intentions aren't to deceive Louis. He's allowed to make new friends. That's what he tells himself as he opens up his messages. 

The first message is from a man who could be in his sixties from the looks of his profile. The message contains a short paragraph where the gentleman introduces himself as John White, and talks about his interest in boating and how he's seeking a romantic partner to join him on his cruise of the Atlantic now that he's retired. It's not what Harry's looking for, but at least the guy was polite.

The next message is from a guy who's user name is cocky_deany_doo who has a picture of his abs as his profile icon. The message is just the tongue emoji. Yeah, Harry's not touching that one. 

Harry's has pretty much lost his interest as he clicks on the last message waiting on him. 

**ladfour: Hey.**

That's all he wrote. Nothing else. Compared to the first two messages, Harry thinks there might be potential to have a friend in this guy. At least he hasn't immediately put Harry off of him yet.

The green circle by the username is green, telling Harry the man is online right now. Before replying, he clicks on the icon to enlarge the photo. The photo is in black and white and it must have been taken after the sun had set since the backside of a man standing in the distance is hard to decipher. Harry can't make out anything of the picture other than it is indeed a man and he might be wearing a sweatshirt with his hands in the front pockets since they're not at his sides.

The back of his head looks fine at least. Not that it matters much in Harry's search for friendship. So Harry messages back.

**PaisleyPrince: Hey! how are you? Thank you for messaging me. I like your profile picture.**

He hits send, then immediately wonders if he said too much for a first message. Oh well. There's nothing he can do about it now. He turns the notifications on for the messages in the app, then gets back to folding clothes.

It's not until Harry has finished putting his and Louis' clothes into the dresser that his phone vibrates.

**ladfour: Thanks. Mate of mine took it when we were out one night. Your picture is quite colorful. I like it. :) Doing good for a Wednesday. Bored at work on my end. What are you up to?**

**PaisleyPrince: Housework. Ugh. Just finished laundry. Grocery run is next on my list.**

Harry strips out of his athletic shorts, tugging on a pair of denim shorts. He cuffs the ends of the shorts, one side now showing part of the tiger tattooed on his thigh. He takes a seat on his bed to slip on a pair of white ankle socks, then he undoes the laces on his white vans, shoving his feet inside before tying them up. 

He keeps on the white t-shirt with "Far out" printed on the front in navy bubble letters. Hopefully, he'll stay cool while he's out running his errands. 

The phone vibrates on the bed and he grabs it up. 

**ladfour: Laundry is the absolute worst chore ever. I refuse to do it! Think about how many times you have to touch the clothes before you're actually finished? Travesty, I tell ya. You don't have work today? Lucky you, Prince.**

Harry's smirking at his phone, highly amused by ladfour's passionate distain for laundry.

**PaisleyPrince: It is the most monotonous of all chores, I'll give you that. I do freelance work, so I work whenever there's something for me to do.**

After he sends the message, he quickly types out another one.

**PaisleyPrince: Calling me Prince already? I didn't realize we were at the nickname phase yet. What's ladfour mean anyway?**

**ladfour: ladtwo and ladthree were taken lmao. I couldn't think of anything clever like you did.**

**PaisleyPrince: Eh, not sure it's that clever.**

**ladfour: I think it is a cute name. You must be clever to have came up with it. Take the compliment! :) **

That's never been the easiest thing for Harry to do, but when he realizes this is the first time in a while that he's received a compliment and he doesn't know how to react to it. 

He's still smiling when he grabs his keys and heads out the door.

*********

Louis doesn't usually reach out to him during the day when he's at work. There's no phone calls or text messages exchanged during breaks. Harry would find it odd and slightly worrisome if he checked his phone and saw a message from Louis on it. 

Which is why he's slightly alarmed when he checks his phone and sees the notification that a message from "Lou" is waiting for him to read. For a second, he thinks something has to be wrong, because why else would Louis be texting him? 

**Louis: Going to The Lazy Arrow with Zayn after work. Leave porch light on. Thx.**

So Louis is planning on staying out late and drinking tonight. It's still up for debate on why he cares enough to let Harry know this time. 

Harry sends back a quick "K" before picking up his container of soup and turning his attention back to the TV. Since he got home from the grocery store, he put the food away, mopped and vacuumed and then settled in on the couch to binge watch a show on HGTV. He hasn't moved since, other than to heat up the soup he picked up from Gio's.

The conversation between him and ladfour had slowed down as the day progressed, Harry assuming he'd gotten busy with work, but he still managed to reply within an hour. Speaking of, his phone screen lights up again from his place on the couch. He doesn't realize how much he'd been hoping it was ladfour until he realizes his face falls at seeing it's Louis again.

The slight taste of guilt lingers in his mouth as he opens the message.

**Louis: Your chocolate pie was really good last night.**

What is Harry supposed to do with that? Is this Louis way of extending an olive branch to him? If Louis were really trying to make amends with him, Harry figures Louis would be on his way home now, maybe to have a slice of that chocolate pie with him instead of heading to the bar with Zayn.

But maybe it's a start.

*********

A loud bang causes Harry to stir from his slumber. He sits up, heart still racing as he tries to listen for anymore sounds. Footfalls on the hardwood floor can be heard and the clock on the bedside table reads one a.m. 

That must be Louis. He still gets up to check, just to be sure it's not some robber in the kitchen helping himself to a midnight snack. 

When Harry emerges from the hallway, he sees Louis who has one hand gripping the couch while the other is plucking his shoes off of his feet. 

"Fucking Harry," Louis mumbles under his breath, but loud enough for Harry to hear him.

"What about fucking Harry?" He crosses his arms across his chest, leaning against the wall at the end of the hallway. 

Louis jumps, then turns on his heel. The look of surprise is replaced by angry eyes and a mouth set in a hard line. 

"Fucking Harry didn't leave the porch light on like I asked," Louis grits out, getting louder as he goes on. "I asked one thing of you. Are you that petty that you couldn't just leave it on? You know that second step is dodgy and needs fixed. I nearly went through the fucking thing just now."

So Harry forgot to leave the porch light on. Oops. 

"I forgot. I meant to leave it on for you." 

"Sure you did." 

Harry huffs, shifting his weight to his other foot. He's tired and annoyed from being woken up and yes, he does feel bad that he forgot the one thing Louis asked of him, but Louis acting like he did it to intentionally sabotage him is pissing him off. 

"Believe what you want, Louis. I know nothing I say means a damn thing to you anymore." He tosses his hands up, starting to turn back down the hall. 

"What have you been saying that I'm not hearing, Harry?" Louis shouts back. He tosses himself onto the sofa, his bed pillow and blanket already there from the previous nights. 

The fight is burning out of Harry. His eyes are stinging and he wants sleep, and despite the distance between them, he knows Louis and he knows Louis is at least four pints to the wind. There would be no getting anywhere with him tonight. Of course Louis would finally seem to be open to talk when he's inebriated. Harry takes that back. Louis doesn't want to talk. He wants to fight and yell.

"Nothing, Louis. You've been drinking. Just go to sleep." 

He heads over to the backdoor flipping the lock. He flicks the porch light on, glancing out the small window on the door. The step Louis mentioned is now dilapidated on one side. It does look like something went right though it. He glances back towards the couch again, about to apologize but Louis is already laying down, softly snoring.

With a heavy sigh, Harry heads back to his bedroom. He curls back into bed, grabbing his pillow and fluffing it a few times before letting his head fall back onto it. He's only still for a second before he's tossing over, struggling to find a comfortable position to let sleep come over him. 

It's not working. He groans and reaches out to his nightstand, grabbing his phone off of the table. He figures ladfour is probably sleeping already since its nearing two in the morning now, but he's restless. 

He opens up the message box.

**PaisleyPrince: Do you ever wish people came with an instruction manual? If something was broken or there was a glitch, you could find out exactly how to fix the problem? You wouldn't have to wonder what to do or say.**

He stares at the message for a few moments. It says the guy is currently offline so he sits his phone back on his nightstand. For some reason, just saying what's on his mind to someone has him feeling a little better. Sleep finds him soon after. 

*********

The next morning, Harry was later than usual getting to his morning run. He slept in an hour later. By the time he got up, Louis had already left for work. After his morning coffee, he'd headed out, his workout playlist blasting in his ears. 

Finally, he's made it three miles and he stops to take a breather, sucking down half of his bottle of water. He grabs his phone and cuts off his music, wanting to catch up on the latest episode of a podcast he enjoys instead. He's got a message from Chatter, and he's eagerly clicking on that instead. 

**ladfour: That would be nice wouldn't it? I know some people in my life I could use some instructions on how they operate cause I've got no fucking clue. But maybe that's the point of it? Like, it would be hard to really know someone if everything always went smoothly. How much of the real them would you get to know? Maybe that's how you truly know someone is figuring out who they are when they're sad or angry or when things are shit. Or maybe I'm sleep deprived and don't know what the hell I'm saying. haha**

Harry reads it three times. The guy's logic does make sense. Harry would like to think he does know Louis though. He's seen Louis at his highs and lows, and he's loved him through it all. But the Louis he has now, he's never seen before. No matter what they've been through, Louis has never withdrawn like this. Never been this angry at the world, or at least angry with Harry to this degree.

**PaisleyPrince: No, I get what you're saying I think. I thought I did know this person though. I think I did truly know them, just never like this. Perhaps I didn't know them at all.**

He hits send and before he can even exit out of the chat, he sees the notification that ladfour is typing so he waits.

**ladfour: Or you did, at the time, and you still do, but people change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the worse. As we get older, we evolve and discover different parts of ourselves. It could be the new parts of this person that you don't know.**

Once again, Harry is considering what ladfour is saying and he's thinking about things differently. He's known Louis for so long. They're not as young anymore. It's fair to say neither of them are quite the same people they used to be. But does their love remain the same? 

Wanting to lighten the conversation from his deep tone, Harry's fingers fly over his screen.

**PaisleyPrince: How are you this insightful this early in the morning? And you said you're sleep deprived no less? I'm impressed.**

Shoving his phone in his pocket, Harry forces himself to finish walking back home without distracting himself with his phone. He feels it vibrate in his pocket when he's only made it a block further, but he resists checking it. It feels good having someone to talk to compared to the silence his phone is used to getting. It feels even better actually looking forward to talking to someone, rather than avoiding the person you should want to talk to the most. 

The rest of the walk home, Harry can't help but think about what ladfour might look like. He essentially knows nothing about him, not even his name or what he does for a living. He'd ask, but he thinks the less details he knows about the other man's real life, the less real it'll make the other man. That's definitely for the best since nothing can really come of this friendship thing. 

The less real the man seems, the less Harry can feel like he's doing something wrong too by secretly scouting out new friends without Louis knowing. If he knows nothing, he might as well be talking to some automated response system or a therapist even. 

When he gets to his driveway, he walks up the steps, avoiding the busted one as he heads inside. He needs to call someone to fix that soon. That reminds him of the message waiting for him and he can't wait any longer. He checks his phone.

**ladfour: I've never been called insightful before haha. I just call shit like I see it. I am sleep deprived as hell though. I had a late night. I kinda fell yesterday and was a bit sore from the tumble so I had trouble sleeping. Let me add on that I am not at all clumsy. The fall wasn't my fault. I'm actually quite agile on my feet. :) **

So he's athletic is the first thing Harry thinks. His mind conjuring up a 6 foot tall athlete with bulging muscles everywhere. He then curses himself for letting his mind wander there. 

**PaisleyPrince: That makes one of us. I'm about as clumsy as they come. Don't tease me about it and I won't tease you about your tumble. :) **

After replying, he pulls up the handyman he always uses in his contact and makes a call.

*********

It's a few days later when Harry and Louis finally speak again. Saturdays always are the hardest for them to avoid each other with Louis being off work. If Harry doesn't leave the house, their paths usually cross.

Harry's standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a banana in one hand, his phone in the other. He and ladfour are somehow in a serious debate about what sea creature they'd rather be after Harry had been discussing the sea life documentary he'd watched the day before.

Yes, Harry is 26 and no, he doesn't care how silly the conversation may seem.

**ladfour: A dolphin? Give me a break, Prince! Dolphins don't even have sharp teeth to protect themselves from predators. I'd be a shark. Which means naturally, I'll want to eat you, but I'll be a nice shark and spare you. I'll probably even go as far as to let you run with me and I'll protect you since your little nubby teeth can't do it yourself.**

A miniscule giggle leaves Harry's lips as he munches. 

"What's so funny?" Louis asks, scaring the living shit out of Harry so much that he jumps, his banana fumbling from his hand and he catches it and manages not to lose the grip on his phone too. 

His husband doesn't look angry. For once, his brows aren't narrowed and his face isn't set in it's permanent scowl. In fact, if Harry didn't know any better, he'd say the corner of Louis' lips are twitching like they want to turn upward and he's looking at Harry like he's amused by the show Harry put on after being scared. 

"Nothing," Harry says quickly shoving another bite of banana in his mouth in hopes Louis doesn't probe and ask another question. 

Louis just shrugs, then walks towards the fridge, opening the door and bending over slightly as he examines what's inside. 

Harry secretly studies Louis since he's not paying attention and he can. It feels like ages since he's gotten to look at Louis. He's shirtless, all of his tattoos boldly standing out against his naturally tanned skin. His plump ass is straining in a pair of black cotton shorts as Louis bends over more to pull something from the back of the fridge. When he stands back up, Harry quickly darts his eyes to the floor, not wanting to be caught staring. 

That's when he notices the large greenish bruise on the back of Louis' calf. 

"Jesus, what happened to your leg, Lou?"

His shoulders stiffen and Harry immediately regrets using Louis' nickname, the word tumbling from his mouth before he could even realize he'd said it.

"It's from the night I went out. The step gave out and my leg slipped off of it. Got the back of it pretty good." Louis sits the package of lunch meat on the counter, then sits a hand on his hip, turning at the waist as he tries to look behind himself at his leg. "Believe it or not, it looks better. It was purple the day after." He turns back to face Harry, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "I notice you got the step fixed. Thank you for that."

"No big deal." Harry swallows and tries to force himself to grin a little but he thinks he probably looks like he's grimacing and fuck this is awkward and Harry kind of wants to be swallowed up by the floor. "I really didn't mean to forget about the light. My mind was just, somewhere else I guess."

"It's okay," Louis says, shrugging then turning back to the counter, starting to make a sandwich. 

Because he can't just leave well enough alone, Harry adds on, "Probably wouldn't hurt to ice it. Your leg."

"Okay, thanks."

Despite the slight awkwardness, Harry hates to end the first conversation in months between them that they're not fighting in, but he can't think of anything else to say. He chunks his banana peel and leaves the room, pulling up ladfour's message again.

**PaisleyPrince: Aw, you'd protect me? My hero. I might not have the teeth to fight with, but I'd be the cutest thing in the sea.******

It takes a few minutes before he gets a reply. **ladfour: Very true.**

He wouldn't admit it, but Harry is sure he's blushing.

*********

**ladfour: Do you ever think we'll meet? Not that I'm pressuring you. We live in the same city so I was wondering.**

Harry nearly inhales a whole cherry tomato from his salad down his windpipe. He is sure he didn't put any of his personal information onto Chatter. He has no idea how ladfour would know that. Frantically, he pulls up his profile, looking over the information he put in. Nowhere does it list his city.

**PaisleyPrince: How do you know where I'm from? I never put that on my profile.**

Dumbly, Harry looks around the small diner as if he'd see the person he's been chatting with, even though he has no idea who he'd even be looking for or how the guy would know he was PaisleyPrince.

**ladfour: Your location is on. Relax lol. I'm not stalking you out. It doesn't show your exact location.**

Well shit. Feeling like a dumbass, Harry opens his settings and turns off his location, even though it's too late. The only person that he talks to on the app knows where he is now. 

And what ladfour said really hits him. They're from the same city. They could actually meet each other if they wanted to. That discovery causes Harry's stomach to flip with something. Excitement maybe? Surely not. 

They could meet, but they can't really. Harry can't. Can he? They're just friends. There's no harm in that, but Harry's still not sure he could handle that. Not yet. 

Ladfour must grow impatient waiting for his response since his phone vibrates again in his palm.

**ladfour: I'm sorry. We don't have to meet. I really was just curious. I know London is quite big so we might never cross paths. I enjoy talking to you and I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.**

**PaisleyPrince: You didn't make me uncomfortable! I think us meeting is a possibility. We could plan a meeting sometime in the future. I'm not sure when, but maybe one day? I like talking to you too, and I'd like to continue that. Things are a little hectic for me right now.**

**ladfour: Understood. :) Someday is better than no day. You do realize if we meet up, you have to wear something paisley. You set yourself up for that one.**

Harry actually laughs out loud. He starts cleaning up his table after he finishes his salad. Before he stands up to throw his trash out, he replies. 

**PaisleyPrince: I don't think I have to. Pretty sure I could get off on a technicality there somewhere.**

The reply comes in almost instantly and it has Harry's cheeks blushing bright pink.

**ladfour: Woah, who said anything about you getting off? I thought we'd start with a coffee first.**

Another message comes right after it.

**ladfour: Kidding, Prince. About getting off. Not about wearing paisley.**

**PaisleyPrince: Right, yeah! I knew you were. Good one. **

Harry hits send and he wants to slap himself for not thinking of a witty response. Then, he wants to slap himself a second time for even carrying how charming his reply was because he shouldn't care. The text that ladfour is typing is at the bottom of the message box but Harry starts typing out another message anyway, quickly.

**PaisleyPrince: You know, um, I'm really not looking for anything right now. I'm sure you saw that on my profile that I'm only seeking friendship, but I want to make sure you understand that. I'm not trying to lead you on.**

He nervously stares at his phone. He sees ladfour stop typing, nothing happening for what feels like an eternity. Finally the typing begins again and he gets a response shortly after.

**ladfour: I know. I saw it on your profile. That's one of the reasons I messaged you. I can't get involved in anything right now either. I don't know what I was really looking for on here, but whatever this is, I'm glad I've found it. Talking to you has made me happier than I've been in a while.**

So that's what Harry's been feeling. Happiness.

*********

The car feels too small with him and Louis in it. The silence has been somewhat awkward but thankfully, Louis is driving, leaving Harry to fiddle with the radio and scroll through his phone. 

The ride to Zayn's house isn't far and they're only a few blocks away now. Harry didn't necessarily want to come. That probably makes him a shitty friend since they're going for Niall's surprise birthday party. He hasn't been forced to be around Louis for this long in a while. If he doesn't show up, he thinks their friends might start to wonder how come they're never together anymore.

They pull up at Zayn's, parking on the street close by his house since cars are already taking up the driveway. With as many people as Niall knows, Harry should have known this wasn't going to be a small affair. 

Louis jumps out of the car, leaving Harry to grab the gift they got for Niall. Well, the gift Harry picked out for Niall and put Louis' name on. 

When Harry shuts the car door, he's a little surprised to see Louis standing there with his hands shoved into the pocket of his jeans waiting on him. His face must show his surprise when Louis asks, "What?"

"Nothing. I'm ready if you are."

They head up the walkway to the front door. Louis raps his knuckles against the red wood door, before pushing it open and heading inside.

"Harry and Louis! You're here. Just in time. Niall should be here any second. " Zayn walks over to them, tossing an arm around each of their shoulders, bringing them all in for a group hug. When Harry's bare arm brushes against Louis, he unintentionally flinches, the skin nearly burning at the contact. 

He plasters a smile on his face as he forces himself to try to relax.

"Won't it give it away when he pulls up and sees all the cars?" Louis asks. "Not sure that's the way to do a proper surprise party."

"Probably, but he'll still be happy. You know Niall," Zayn says, his eyes practically heart shaped while speaking about his boyfriend.

"Where should I put this?" Harry pipes up, lifting the gift. 

"Table in the corner." Zayn points to a table already holding numerous wrapped gifts and bags.

Harry nods, starting to head that way, but Zayn grips his arm, tugging him back. He turns to Zayn, brows drawn together. 

Zayn lets go of his arm, gripping his shoulder instead. "I'm happy you're here. I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

"Yeah, I know," Harry agrees. "I'm happy to be here." 

It's not a complete lie. Just a tiny one. He really should catch up with Niall and Zayn again under different circumstances. 

He continues towards the table, placing Niall's gift with the others. He looks around, surveying the rest of the living room. There's a few people scattered around chatting. In the kitchen, he can see people helping themselves to the snacks Zayn has set out.

The front door opens, catching Harry's attention and the birthday boy himself steps through, the whole room letting out a loud and boisterous, "Surprise!"

"Aw shucks. All this for me?" Niall asks, too wide smile already on his face. He speaks to a few people, claps a few shoulders as he makes his way further inside of the house. 

Harry watches on when Niall finally gets to Zayn, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Zayn whispers something in Niall's ear before they pull back just enough to kiss. 

Harry finds himself grinning at the sweetness until he catches Louis staring at him from where he's standing on Zayn's right. Harry can't read his expression. He tries, daring to stare right back into Louis' piercing gaze. Even from across the room, Harry can feel there's something behind the stare. If this were a year ago, Harry's sure he could figure out what Louis wanted just from the look alone. 

Louis is the first to break the staring contest, smiling over at Niall when the birthday boy approaches him, pulling Louis into an enthusiastic embrace. 

Harry needs a drink. Preferably something alcoholic. He strides to the kitchen, plucking a bottle of beer from the large ice bucket on the floor near the kitchen table. 

He takes a swig then grips the bottle as he heads back to the living room. Louis, Zayn and Niall aren't where they were before. Harry looks around. Other than Niall's friends, Luke and Shawn that he's been around a couple of times, he doesn't see anyone else he knows and he doesn't really know them enough to approach them. 

Taking a seat on the couch, he pulls out his phone and finds he has a notification from Chatter.

**ladfour: Have you ever felt completely alone in a crowded room? Fuck, that sounds all cliché and dark. I didn't mean it to, but it's like you can be around all of these people. You can laugh and joke, but it all feels so surface level sometimes. **

Harry frowns at his phone as he thinks about what to say. Sounds like ladfour is having as good of a night as Harry is.

**PaisleyPrince: I've been there. Sometimes you have to put on show when in reality, you'd rather be anywhere else than where you are. It can be exhausting sometimes.**

**ladfour: Yes, exactly. Some days it's fine but sometimes even facing one person feels like too much effort. I figured you'd understand what I meant. You usually do. Sorry for being a downer. Just been one of those days. **

**PaisleyPrince: Maybe I can cheer you up?**

**ladfour: How do you plan on doing that?**

**PaisleyPrince: Hmm.. I've got it. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.**

**ladfour: Oh god. I thought you were supposed to be cheering me up?**

**PaisleyPrince: That was funny and you know it was! I laughed so hard when I heard that this morning. **

**ladfour: Kind of corny. **

**PaisleyPrince: Why are there gates around cemeteries?**

**ladfour: Another one, Prince? Don't do me like this.**

**PaiselyPrince: Because people are dying to get in.**

Harry brings a hand to his mouth, to muffle his giggles as he stares down at his phone. He almost forgot there's a room full of people around him. His phone buzzes in his hand and he's brought right back in.

**ladfour: Okay, I might have snorted that time. Just a little.**

**PaisleyPrince: Aha! Admit it. I'm funny.**

**ladfour: Never. I don't think you're funny. I think you just know how to make me smile. **

His cheeks heat up. He's about to reply when someone plops themselves into Harry's lap, much to his surprise. Niall laughs as Harry clutches his phone, quickly clearing out of the app. 

"What are you doing over here? You didn't even come find me and tell me happy birthday!" Niall declares with mock outrage.

"So that gives you the right to take up vacancy on my lap?" Harry asks, causing Niall to cackle out again. "I was about to come find you. Happy birthday, Ni." 

"Thanks. Now that we've taken care of that, come on and have some cake. They're about to sing to me." Niall stands, grabbing Harry's arm, tugging him up to pull him towards the kitchen.

"Cake doesn't go with beer," Harry says, still clutching his bottle.

"Cake goes with everything." Niall doesn't even look back at Harry. He simply keeps tugging him until they reach the kitchen where everyone is huddling around the counter where a large white and blue frosted cake is laying with curly candles poking out of the top of it. 

"Ready everybody? Happy Birthday to you," Zayn starts singing, everyone joining in. Harry sings along until the end and Niall blows out his candles, causing the room to cheer. Harry catches sight of Louis leaning against the far wall checking his phone. Once again, his eyes meet Harry's after he pockets his phone, then he quickly looks away, moving towards the line for cake. 

Harry wonders when the last time he made Louis smile was.

******* **

**ladfour: Pancakes have to be one of the best foods in the world. It's almost like eating dessert for breakfast.**

**PaisleyPrince: You made yourself pancakes this morning? Where's mine? :P**

**ladfour: Hell no I didn't make them. I can't make pancakes. Got these from The Breakfast Club before work. Hey, I can always bring you pancakes if you want. Just tell me when and where. and don't forget the paisley. ;) **

Harry snorts to himself, unsure of what to say. He secretly would love to meet up with ladfour just as much, but he can't bring himself to agree to it yet.

**PaisleyPrince: Yeah, yeah. That's still impending. I'm searching for the perfect paisley piece. I've already eaten breakfast. My avocado on toast wasn't as sweet as your breakfast but still delicious. ******

**ladfour: Oh my god. Goodbye. We can't be friends anymore. You eat fucking avocados? I'm so disappointed in you. Seriously, that green mushy shit looks so gross. There's no way it can taste good. Avocados just piss me off for some reason.**

Good thing Harry is home alone, because he barks out a loud, belly aching laugh. He can't believe someone would be this passionate about their distain for a fruit. 

**PaisleyPrince: How can a fruit piss you off? It's a fruit?? What did they ever do to you? Hahaha you sound just like- ******

Harry halts his typing, eyes going wide as he erases that last sentence. He was about to say that he sounds just like his husband. Louis doesn't like avocados either. 

He shakes his head and sends the message without adding on the comparison. His foot starts jiggling with unease as he ponders if he should tell ladfour that he's married. Since they've began talking on and off all day everyday, he feels a little bad withholding something like that. Even though he has been honest that he's not looking for anything, being truthful about that would ensure that ladfour knows where Harry stands. That Harry wasn't kidding when he's told him he absolutely isn't looking for anything more than friendship.

When his phone pings, he reads the message. 

**ladfour: How can a fruit not piss you off? Haven't you ever been pissed at an inanimate object? I have plenty of times. But nothing gets me riled up like a bloody avocado.**

Harry takes a breath, trying to figure out a way to say it. He's not sure if he should try incorporating it in the conversation like it's no big deal or if maybe he should just blurt it out.

**PaisleyPrince: I need to tell you something.**

**ladfour: I'm all ears. Well, all eyes, I mean. Anyway, go on. :)**

**PaisleyPrince: I'm married.**

There. It's done. Harry presses send and has the unexplainable urge to chunk his phone across the room at the wall. That would be stupid, so he instead settles for tossing it to the other end of the couch. 

He's nervous. He doesn't want ladfour to stop talking to him. As pathetic as it sounds, he's become dependent on their conversations. He looks forward to checking his phone in the mornings and reading what the nameless man has to say. He loves their quick banter and their pointless rants as much as their deeper discussions. It's possible he's just lost all of that.

Glancing up at the large clock on the wall, Harry sees that it's almost nine. He has a wedding he has to take photos for at eleven and he still needs to shower. 

Leaving his phone downstairs, he heads up to his bedroom, making his way into the en suite. He takes his time in the shower, even putting a deep conditioning treatment on his hair. Anything to buy him more time from checking his phone. 

A half hour later, he's got a towel wrapped around his waist, another in his hair and a face mask moisturizing his face. He feels more at ease already. He heads to the bedroom, pulling out a pair of black briefs and replacing the towel with them. Next, he removes the towel from his hair, squeezing out the excess water. He tosses both towels into the dirty clothes and decides it's time to face the music. 

When he makes it downstairs to his phone, he grabs it cautiously like he's afraid of being burned by it. He flips it over and sure enough, there's a notification, but only from a couple of minutes ago. 

**ladfour: Oh okay.**

After all that, that's all he gets. Harry wants to pull his own vanilla scented, soft, hair out. 

**PaisleyPrince: Are you okay with that? I didn't make you mad did I?**

He gets a reply fairly quickly this time.

**ladfour: I don't have any choice but to be okay with it. haha. I'm not mad. You just caught me off guard. It is what it is.**

**PaisleyPrince: We're not really like, together together if that makes sense. We're basically just roommates at this point.**

Harry heads down the hallway, his eyes lingering on the door that always stays shut before looking forward and heading further down the hall to the room he uses as his office. He starts gathering his camera, making sure he has extra memory cards and batteries in his camera bag. 

Heading out the door towards his car, he glances up at the sky, unable to fight a smile at the rare appearance of the sun. Lucky for the bride and groom since they're having an outdoor wedding. If only Harry had that kind of luck. 

Once seated in the driver's seat, he sits his camera bag in the passenger seat and checks his phone. Ladfour has sent two messages.

**ladfour: It's fine, honestly. You don't have to explain yourself to me. You've already been upfront about not wanting anything more than a friendship. So you being married shouldn't affect us.**

**ladfour: Is it fucked up that I'm kind of glad that you and him aren't really together though? That is fucked up, I know it is. You don't have to tell me. I just kind of don't want this thing we have to stop.**

Harry sucks in a breath, holding it captive in his lungs. 

**PaisleyPrince: Our friendship doesn't have to stop. That's what you meant, right?**

**ladfour: You can't really tell me that this only feels like a friendship to you, can you?**

Goosebumps break out over Harry's arms as he reads the message. The barrier has finally been broken. It's now been acknowledged between them, meaning Harry can't keep pretending that it's not real. That he's not absolutely smitten with ladfour's mind and with his sense of humor. He can't act like he doesn't get giddy over the man, even without knowing what he looks like.

He can't pretend that he's not interested in someone other than his husband.

**PaisleyPrince: No. I can't.**

*********

The way they communicate with each other hasn't changed. There might be a few more winky faces added in. Maybe the flirty undertones aren't as subtle, but in general, Harry and ladfour still discuss the most random things. They'll still go off on these tangents like they're both searching for the meaning of life. Ladfour will sometimes try to force Harry to pick a food that frustrates him. Harry still hasn't answered that one. Ladfour still suggests the possibility of them grabbing coffee one day, but he never presses when Harry gives his same response of "One day."

Things are still good. At least in his online world. In his real world, Harry's not so sure. Oddly enough, he and Louis haven't been fighting lately, but that means they're not actually communicating much at all anymore without the bickering. Harry's not sure if he should consider this a good thing or a bad thing. When they are around each other, he thinks Louis doesn't seem quite as pissed off at the world anymore. His head might be held a little higher. The permanent frown on his face has somehow evened out. Harry even catches Louis grinning at his phone sometimes. 

Now, Harry has just finished doing a yoga, trying to relax his body and mind. He had a busy morning, having to shoot headshots of a pageant child, along with another wedding. He grabs his phone off the nightstand finding a message from ladfour.

**ladfour: Yoga sounds painful. Does that mean you're bendy? I'm going to meet up with some of my mates and play a little football soon.**

Harry feels his cock twitch as he reads the message. Shit. Ladfour asking him if he's flexible has Harry thinking about all the ways he can bend his body. He wonders if ladfour meant it the way he is taking it. It can sometimes be hard to tell the difference, but still Harry's mind betrays him, picturing himself on all fours waiting while a sweaty man in a soccer jersey peels his tight leggings off of his ass.

******PaisleyPrince: Not to brag, but I am pretty flexible. Good luck on the pitch. :)**

Looking down, Harry sees the front of his yoga pants fattening up. He reaches down and palms his semi. He doesn't take much time weighing his options before he's removing his shirt, tossing it to the floor then slides his pants off. 

Opening his nightstand, Harry digs around until his hand wraps around his pink dildo. He tosses it on the bed, along with the bottle of lube that hasn't been used in ages. He slides under the covers, one hand blindly feeling around until he finds the lube. Once he coats his index finger, he reaches between his legs, slowly rubbing over his hole before lets the tip of his finger slip inside. A small whine leaves his mouth at the stretch, shoving his finger in deeper. It's been so long since he's had anything inside of him. Too long. 

Harry starts working his finger inside until he feels ready to add another. He shoves two fingers inside of himself slowly, his body withering on the mattress at the delicious stretch. As he starts pumping his hand faster, little needy breaths are escaping his mouth. His eyes clamp shut tightly as his mind goes back to a faceless man behind him, his fingers stretching him open instead. 

The tip of his finger nudges his prostate and his hips buck forward, his hard cock bobbing. He's feeling too close already and he's barely begun. He removes his fingers and grabs the dildo with his sticky hand. Using the lube, he coats the toy generously, then completely kicks the comforter and sheets off of his burning hot body to the foot of the bed.

With his legs spread wide, his hand moves between his legs. He eases the dildo inside of himself, silently reminding himself to breathe as he continues to inch the toy inside. Once he's got it in a good bit of the way, he pauses to let himself get used to the stretch. He lets go of the toy and gently rubs his palm over his cock, his other hand moving to play with one of his nipples. 

Removing his hand from his chest, he slides it back down, gripping the end of the dildo, his other hand still gripping his painfully hard dick. He pulls the dildo out halfway, then shoves it back in, continuing as he starts building up a rhythm. His other hand starts tugging his cock in time with his thrusts of the toy. 

Filthy moans are leaving his mouth. He's completely lost in the pleasure of his daydream.

"Fuck. Oh fuck yes. Yes," Harry groans, having found his prostate, his hand starting to tug himself even faster. 

Harry misses the sound of the door opening, too lost in his own pleasure, but he doesn't miss the sound of the gasp of surprise. Both of his hands freeze, his eyes shooting open and his head lifting up from the pillow. Standing at the door, with one hand still gripping the doorknob is a slack jawed Louis, his eyes locked and staring at everything happening between Harry's legs.

"What are you doing in here?" Harry frantically shouts.

That gets Louis pulling his eyes upward to Harry's face. He stutters, before fumbling over his words. "I was just, I needed to grab-" His points in the direction of their closet and his eyes flicker downwards again.

Harry reaches down, his hand scrambling to try to find the blanket and pull it up to cover himself. "Get out of here! Now! Go!" Harry yells, feeling mortified.

"Right! Right! I'm sorry. Sorry."

Louis quickly slams the door shut and Harry falls lets his head fall backwards on his pillow with a groan. He doesn't know if he's feeling more embarrassed at being caught getting off or more frustrated that he still hasn't gotten off. He lifts his head up once more, trying to see if he can hear anything beyond the door when his phone chimes. 

Grabbing his phone, he sighs again, seeing its ladfour. Why does everyone suddenly want to bother him right at this moment? What has Harry done to deserve this?

**ladfour: How flexible would you say you are exactly?**

Harry's still hard cock blurts out a bead of precome.

**PaisleyPrince: I can't put my legs behind my head, but I can get them almost there kind of flexible. Why do you wanna know? I thought you were heading to play football.**

Harry keeps his phone in one hand, his other starting to lazily stroke his cock. 

**ladfour: I am soon. I kind of got sidetracked and now I have something I have to take care of.. Would you say you are 'legs over my shoulders' flexible?**

"Shit," Harry mumbles under his breath as he reads that. His hand picks up the pace as he struggles to type with his other one.

**PaisleyPrince: Yeah, for sure could get my legs up that high. Could probably get my knees to touch my chest if you wanted them to.**

**ladfour: Fuck that sounds hot. I'm picturing it.**

**PaisleyPrince: Is that all you're doing is picturing it?**

**ladfour: No.**

**PaisleyPrince: Touch yourself. Do it with me.**

Harry shivers, then moves his hand down to grip the dildo again. He focuses on fucking himself while he waits for ladfour to respond. He's back to his own naughty daydream. All he can see is his legs thrown over a pair of shoulders while he gets pounded. He doesn't want to let up when he hears his phone again, but he has to know the other man's response.

**ladfour: Already am. Got my hand wrapped around myself thinking about you in the downward dog while I'm behind you. You feel so good. Want to fuck you hard, then come all over your ass.**

The man has painted a new picture in Harry's mind and it's so good, too good actually that Harry can't even respond. He drops the phone, grabbing his cock again as he starts working both of his hands, racing to find his release.

Finally, Harry's mouth falls open and his back arches as he shoots hot streams of come up his belly and chest, softly groaning each time he spurts.

His chest his still heaving, trying to catch his breath on his descend back to earth. Patting around the bed, he locates his phone, one hand lazily typing.

**PaisleyPrince: Oh my god.. **

**ladfour: Finish? :)**

**PaisleyPrince: Yeah. Need a shower now. **

Harry grabs the sheet and swipes it over his torso to clean himself up, then he hauls himself up to his feet. He leaves the dildo on the bed, deciding he'll deal with that when he gets to the bedding. His phone goes off before he starts towards the bathroom.

**ladfour: You probably needed one after the yoga anyway sweaty boy. Now I really am heading out to play footie. Let's hope getting off doesn't have me too tired to play my best game. I'll message you later!**

A grin appears on Harry's face. Knowing ladfour got off thinking about him has him feeling sexy. Being desired isn't something he's felt lately, and knowing someone wants him now is absolutely liberating.

Until he remembers that his husband walked in on him getting off. Which shouldn't be weird but it is and he thinks he probably should face Louis now rather than later and get the first sighting since Louis was staring at Harry jacking his prick over with. 

He pulls his briefs on and heads out of the bedroom and down the hallway towards the living room. The living room is empty as well as the kitchen he sees after a quick glance to his right. The guest bathroom was empty when he came up the hall and the door that always stays shut was still shut. Harry doesn't think Louis would go in there anyway. Louis wouldn't even walk past that door for so long.

Harry peeks out the window and sees Louis' car isn't in the driveway. Louis must have been so embarrassed over what just happened, he had to get the hell out of here. They'll have to do their awkward meeting another time then. Harry heads back towards his room, intent on getting in the shower. The shame of what he's just done with someone other than Louis should be something he wants to scrub from his skin. 

Harry does feel a touch of shame as he wonders where Louis ran off too, but more than that, he feels wanted. He can't find it in him to regret that. 

*********

Looking in the mirror on the visor of his car, Harry checks his hair once more, gently bouncing one of his curls. He lets out a deep breath and shuts the visor, glancing at the clock on the radio. 

In five minutes, he'll be meeting ladfour. He can't believe it either. Harry had finally given in and agreed to meet him at a small diner for lunch. 

Nerves and excitement are swarming in his belly as he steps out of his car, locking it behind him. He reaches up to his neck, straightening the red paisley bandana around his neck, pursing his lips to fight off a grin.

After fussing over his outfit in front of the mirror for nearly half an hour, Harry decided on a pair of black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, letting the bandana be his bold piece for the day. It's a simple look for him, but he wants the paisley piece to stand out. He wants ladfour to notice.

He heads towards the front of the diner, his hand reaching out to grab the door handle. He freezes, face surely resembling absolute horror when he spots Louis through the window, sitting at one of the tables, his head tilted down studying the menu in his hands. 

"Shit," Harry mumbles, quickly spinning on his feet like a clumsy ballerina. He scampers towards the side of the building as quickly as he can. "Shit, shit, shit this isn't happening." He leans against the side of the bricks, taking a few breaths. 

Clearly, someone has it out for Harry. Why else would his husband be at the same fucking restaurant where Harry is meeting someone else after all of his hesitation to agree to this in the first place? 

"Fuck," Harry groans under his breath, letting the back of his head knock against the bricks. He pulls out his phone, seeing a message from ladfour.

**ladfour: Are you standing me up or did your clumsy ass get distracted by an avocado stand? :) I'm here.**

Harry fights the urge to whack his head harder against the bricks.

**PaisleyPrince: I was about to go in, but my husband is in there. Now I'm freaking out. I'm sorry. I can't.**

Taking a deep breath, Harry peeks around the corner, glancing into the window once again only to see Louis' head turning, as he looks over the other patrons. Harry uses his husband's distraction to his advantage and struts quickly in front of the diner to head back towards his car. Once he's out of view, he breaks out into a light jog until he finally reaches his car and tosses himself inside. He brings both his hands to his face, letting out a sigh of disbelief.

His husband and ladfour are in the same room right now and he feels sick. It dawns on him he didn't get the chance to look around the diner and possibly lay eyes on ladfour, seeing Louis shocking him too much for him to think about doing anything but getting away from there.

Before he starts his car, he checks his phone again. 

**ladfour: Oh fuck, okay wow. Don't freak out. Breathe. Everything is okay. You're okay. I knew this place was good, but I didn't realize it was this good. I should have let you pick the place. I still have 45 mins before I have to be back at work if you want to try another place?**

**PaisleyPrince: Raincheck? I'm sorry. I'm kind of weirded out right now, and I don't want that to affect our meeting. I didn't mean to stand you up. I can't believe he is there. I am so sorry.**

Harry puts on his seatbelt and starts his car, then checks his phone once more.

**ladfour: Don't be sorry. You didn't know he'd be here. It blows I don't get to see you, but we'll try again another time. No worries, yeah? I'll let you pick the place next time. As long as you're comfortable and happy.**

Harry sits his phone into the passenger seat and quickly backs out of the parking lot, pulling out into the street. He thinks he managed to get away before being spotted. The lack of guilt he's been feeling forms a knot in his throat now that he struggles to swallow down. It would have only been lunch, but Harry actively having to hide himself from being seen from Louis has Harry feeling shameful. But are they really even together at this point? What's wrong and what's right anymore?

All of these thoughts are fleeting through his mind as he drives himself back home. He starts to wonder if Louis was meeting someone from lunch. Louis did appear to be looking for someone, Harry would guess from the last glance at him he stole. 

Is Louis seeing someone else? If so, how long has he been cheating on Harry? So many questions that Harry isn't sure he has the right to ask.

*********

There's been many times Harry has felt stupid in his 26 years on earth, but right now might be at the top of the list. He is clutching a bag of takeout as he leads himself towards the suite where Louis' office is.

Surprising his husband with lunch shouldn't be something that makes him feel this way. He just hopes that Louis doesn't already have another lunch companion up there with him or that Louis looks at him like a fool for deciding to randomly show up for a lunch date like this is normal for them. His stomach lurches as he gets closer, fearful that Louis might just toss him out of his office. 

Harry finally gets to the suite of offices that house the graphic designers. He rubs his palm against his khaki trousers, staring at Louis' nameplate outside of the door, preparing to knock.

The sound of another door opening catches his attention and he glances over his shoulder, seeing one of Louis' coworkers, Liam, shutting his office door and locking it. When he looks up at Harry, he blinks in surprise and then offers a warm smile. "Harry, nice to see you. It's been a while since I've seen you around here." 

"It has," Harry says, politely grinning back. "It's good to see you too."

Liam nods his head towards the bag. "You're spoiling him. Bringing him lunch so he doesn't have to get out in the traffic. I need to find a woman who'll do that for me."

"Good luck on your search." Harry waves as Liam starts off down the hall. He lets out a sigh, feeling even more anxious after that encounter. If even Liam acted that surprised as seeing him, Louis is going to flip. 

Bravely, he raps his knuckles against the door.

"Come in," he hears Louis call out. He pushes the door open, stepping inside. The sound of The Artic Monkeys is playing from the speaker on Louis' desk. Louis is still looking at the monitor screen in front of him intently, black framed glasses perched on his nose as he thoroughly examines whatever on the screen has his attention. When he glances up, his body actually jerks and he straightens upright in his leather chair. "What are you doing here?"

"Brought us lunch?" Harry says, though it sounds more like a question. It doesn't seem like Louis is going to kick him out, so he sits the bag on the corner of Louis' desk, then grabs one of the spare chairs, pulling it close to the desk. 

Once he sits down, he reaches inside of the bag. Louis has taken his glasses off now, watching Harry. "You're going to eat McDonalds? Really?" Louis scoffs, but a smirk is tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Harry rolls his eyes. "I got a salad."

"I hope that's not what you brought me," Louis teases as Harry pushes a carton of fries and a wrapped cheeseburger towards him.

"I knew you'd want the grease so I spared you."

"Thank you for your mercy."

They both start unwrapping their food, preparing to eat. Louis shoves a fry into his mouth before squeezing out a pile of ketchup onto his wrapper. Louis glances up at him, a slight suspicion in his tone when he asks, "What made you decide to do this?"

Harry shrugs his shoulders as his fork pushes a piece of grilled chicken around. "I just thought we hadn't eaten together in a while and I was going to get something to eat for myself." Harry shrugs again, not wanting to make a big deal of it even though it is a huge deal. Harry also leaves off the part where he sort of wanted to know that at least for today, Louis wasn't off eating with another man. 

"I'm glad you did."

"What?" Harry jerks his head up.

"I'm glad you came by for lunch," Louis repeats himself. "I can't tell you the last time we ate a meal together either." He wipes the salt from his fingers on his napkin and sits it down on his desk top, looking right at Harry. "Listen, I know things are pretty shitty right now. I know that's a whole other conversation, but I've been thinking, we don't have to be so against each other right? Like just because we aren't really acting like..lovers right now doesn't mean we have to be enemies, right?"

Harry can't really believe Louis is actually talking about their marriage right now and Harry is afraid of saying something to fuck this all up and ruin the conversation. It's never taken much to get Louis fleeting these days. But from what Louis is saying, it sounds like he's wanting to call a truce maybe? Harry tilts his head in thought.

"I guess you're right," Harry agrees. "We don't have to be so hostile."

"Exactly." Louis nods eagerly as he chews a bite of his burger. He lifts his hand to cover his mouth until he swallows. "It's exhausting constantly fighting and tiptoeing around each other. We're more than that. We should be able to occupy the same space. We used to."

What Harry wants to ask Louis is if this is going to put them any closer to actually fixing their shit and loving each other again or if they're just making the rut they are stuck in more bearable. Beggars can't be choosers and Harry thinks he should consider this a good thing and take it for what it is, but he can't stop wondering.

"I agree with you, and I think I'll be good to have some kind of truce." He pauses and twirls his plastic fork between his fingers. "But why now, Lou? Why do you want to be civil now?"

"I'm tired, Harry. I'm just so tired of being fucking sad and angry and maybe if I can stop fighting with you, I'll feel better. Lately, I've been trying to be more positive, cause I'm so sick of feeling how I have been. I think it's working." He pauses and grabs his bottle of water, taking a swig.

Now that he's mentioned it, Harry does notice that Louis has seemed less pissed off at everything lately. He can't recall them actually fighting since the dreaded step incident. Part of Harry still can't let go of the thought that maybe something or someone else has Louis in a better mood. It sure isn't Harry.

"That's good. Great, even. I want you to be happy, believe it or not." He wants to reach out and grab Louis' hand, but he's not sure it would be reciprocated well. It's still astonishing that he and Louis have created this reality where they walk on eggshells around each other. 

"l know you do. I want you to be happy, too," Louis says picking up his burger, but holding it still as he stares at it momentarily. He glances Harry's way. "I'm sorry that I have no idea how to make that happen anymore."

Harry can't stop himself this time. He reaches over and sits a hand on Louis' arm. He feels his husband's body tense up slightly when Harry makes contact, but he quickly relaxes as Harry's fingers brush over Louis' forearm. "Don't you think we can get there again, Louis? This is us we're talking about. I know we've been through a lot with what happened earlier this year."

Once again, Harry feels Louis stiffen. Harry removes his hand and Louis sits his burger down. 

"Can we not talk about it?" He pleads. The look in his eyes seems to be begging with Harry too. "I can't talk about him yet. I'm trying to get better, but I just can't go there."

"Okay," Harry reasons, nodding his head. He doesn't want this nice moment with Louis to slip away just yet. "I won't push you into talking."

"Thank you." Louis lets out a sigh, picking his burger up once again.

They're both quiet for a moment, the mood a touch more dreary than when Harry first entered.

Finally, Louis breaks the silence. "So are we going to talk about the other elephant in the room?" He grins

Harry frowns in confusion, unsure what Louis is getting at and he's too afraid to guess.

"The pink dildo shaped elephant," Louis clarifies and lets out a chuckle.

Groaning, Harry lifts his hands to his pink cheeks. "We're not discussing that. Ever."

He hears Louis laughing louder, and Harry feels his lips quirking up in a grin too. Louis probably brought that mortifying moment up to break the tension. It worked. They manage to eat the rest of their lunch together in their newly found form of peace.

*********

**PaisleyPrince: Did you know beavers mate for life?**

**ladfour: I didn't know that. Good for the beaver!**

**PaisleyPrince: Beavers are better than humans. I think my husband might be having an affair.**

**ladfour: What makes you think that?**

**PaisleyPrince: He's been acting different.**

**ladfour: Just because someone is acting different doesn't mean they are having an affair. It could be a number of things causing someone to act different. Maybe he had a rough day at work. Maybe his footie team lost a game. **

**PaisleyPrince: That's the thing though, he hasn't been acting worse. He's been happy lately. It's weird.**

**ladfour: Weird that he's happy? Listen, Prince. Forgive me, but I'm not sure you're entirely making sense. You think your husband is cheating on you because he's been happy lately and you think that's weird? **

**PaisleyPrince: Correct. **

**ladfour: How can he be cheating on you when you said you two aren't really together?**

Harry's cheeks turn red as he stares down at his phone. He did say that, and it's still true for the most part, but it's more complicated than ladfour is making it. It's not simply black and white. No, he and Louis aren't really together, but they're not entirely not together either. Either way, he doesn't want Louis fucking someone else behind his back. 

He and Louis would never do that to each other. At least they wouldn't have before, but ladfour won't understand that fully since he doesn't really know him and Louis and how they are and who they used to be.

**PaiselyPrince: We're not technically together, but we're still married. I'd like to respect that title. He could at least tell me if he is. **

**ladfour: So ask him.**

**PaisleyPrince: I can't ask him that! How would I know if he's telling the truth anyway?**

**ladfour: No idea. He's your husband, not mine, but I don't blame you for not wanting to ask. The truth will come out eventually. It always does.**

Harry believes that part wholeheartedly. He crosses his legs underneath him on the couch and sits his phone down to grab his knitting needles and the project he's been working on. 

Asking Louis outright would only piss him off. There's no chance that Harry is doing that. They've just waved their white flags. He doesn't want to start another war with Louis. So for now, he'll wait.

*********

Harry has made a roast along with mashed potatoes and green beans. It's Louis' favorite meal, and he only made it because of the occasion. It's their anniversary. Five years since they happily exchanged vows in a beautiful garden with their closest friends and families there. It was the happiest day of Harry's life. He figures it was at least in the top three for Louis since his husband physically could not stop smiling. Every time Harry looked at him that day, he was smiling bright and wide, and he was already looking at Harry.

He never would have imagined those two people would end up here. He doesn't know if Louis is aware of what day it is. He's not sure if Louis will even be willing to have dinner with him, but he wanted to try to do at least a little something to commemorate the day. 

Since their lunch in Louis' office, things have been much better. No, they're not going out of their way to engage with each other, but when they do cross paths, they can chat civilly. He's still unsure if he should be pleased that things are better or stressed that they're still not happy. At least not happy with each other. Harry still wonders what or who is causing Louis to start singing in the shower again.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. Sure enough, it's the person he talks to the most these days. Although, today, ladfour has been oddly short and he's taking longer to reply than usual. 

**ladfour: I've been busy. I'm sorry I haven't been the best company. I have a lot going on today.**

**PaisleyPrince: That's alright. I understand. Today has been kind of hectic for me too.**

**ladfour: Is there any way we can pick this conversation back up tomorrow?**

Harry lets out a sigh, slightly relieved that ladfour seems a little too tired or busy to continue on tonight. That'll help him out too because if everything goes according to plan, he'll be having dinner with Louis so he'd be ignoring ladfour anyway. 

**PaisleyPrince: Sure. No problem at all. Enjoy your evening. We'll talk tomorrow.**

He slides his phone back in his pocket. Pulling two of his best wine glasses from the cupboard, he sits them on the counter and grabs the bottle of red wine from the fridge and fills them. His nerves are making him jittery, wondering if this whole thing is going to piss Louis off. He'll be finding out any second now. 

He figures he might as well go all out, so he heads to their dinging table and lights two of the long candles in the candle holders. He eyes the table,

"Jesus, this isn't a romantic dinner. Get a grip." He leans over and hastily blows both of the candles out. The sound of the door opening has his back straightening. He's afraid to turn around. He doesn't want to see Louis' angry face staring back at him. 

After a few seconds, Harry finally gathers the courage to turn around. What he sees surprises him. 

Louis is stood at the door, lips parted open and brows raised as he surveys the food still warming on the stove. Then his eyes move to Harry and the set table behind him.

What surprises Harry the most is the dozen roses Louis has in his hand. Their eyes meet and Louis appears to be just as shocked as Harry is. He grins sheepishly.

"What's all this?"

"Dinner," Harry answers. "Roast and potatoes. I thought you could use a home cooked meal after all the fast food lunches, and, because today is.. today." He shrugs his shoulders. 

"Today is today," Louis deadpans, but then grins teasingly and Harry feels the weight of the world being removed from his shoulders at the sight. Louis says, "I got these for you."

He moves close enough to Harry to pass him the flowers which Harry immediately brings to his nose and sniffs. "They're beautiful, Lou. Thank you." He wishes he'd have thought to get Louis something, but he figures dinner will just have to be his gift. "Come sit and make a plate while I get these in some water."

Harry digs in the cabinets underneath the sink until he finds a vase and fills it with water. He brings the vase back to the table and sits them down. Louis is already seated, but he hasn't made his plate yet.

"I didn't want to butcher your roast, so I was waiting for you to cut it." Louis has the glass of red in his hand and he's already finished off half of his glass. 

Harry slices the roast, then takes his seat, letting Louis make his plate first. At the first bite, Louis lets out a moan that pleases Harry to no end. Louis always made sure he praised Harry's cooking, especially since Louis can't cook a thing to save his life.

"It's good, I assume?"

"Fucking incredible. The roast is cooked perfectly," Louis praises before shoving another forkful in his mouth.

"Good." He takes a sip of his own wine and looks across the table at Louis. "I was hoping you'd enjoy it. Happy anniversary, Lou."

Louis stops eating and gives Harry a grin that feels familiar and yet somehow new like he's seeing it for the first time. "Happy anniversary, Harry."

They continue eating their food, making small talk through some of it and staying quiet while they eat during other parts, but the silence doesn't feel lonely like Harry's used to.

It's when Louis is on his third glass of wine and their plates are empty that Louis breaks the silence again.

"Harry, do you remember after our ceremony when our mums were trying to get us together for pictures?

The memory has Harry smiling already. "And we were both buzzing too much to sit still and we just wanted to steal a moment alone together." 

Louis tosses the rest of his wine back, and Harry grabs the bottle from the counter, holding it out to Louis who then fills his glass again. "We finally snuck away from them." Louis smiles cheekily at Harry who is topping off his own glass now and taking a sip. "Your vows were barely off your lips when you were shoving my dick through them."

Sputtering the wine back into his glass, Harry struggles to swallow because he's laughing. Louis joins him. 

"Hey, I didn't hear you complaining," Harry says between his giggles. "You enjoyed it."

"Damn right, I enjoyed it. It's okay. I know how much weddings get you turned on. Even more so than usual with it being your own."

Harry's dick defies him when it twitches in his jeans, as he recalls their private rendezvous. He'd been desperate to get Louis' dick- his husband's dick down his throat. Louis was right about that. Back then, nothing could get Harry harder than talking about them getting married so when the day finally happened, Harry needed a moment to debauch his husband. He received as well as he had given when Louis positioned him in front of the floor length mirror and dropped to his knees, leaving Harry unsure whether he should look down at Louis face or enjoy the view of the back of Louis head as it bobbed up and down.

"It was a good day," Louis says, his eyes downward to the floor and a small grin on his face. He looks far away, lost in a memory of his own.

"My best day," Harry agrees softly. 

Peeling his head up, Louis looks at him, studying him with an unreadable expression in his steely eyes. Harry swallows hard under his husband's gaze, then Louis suddenly rises from his chair and he's stepping in front of Harry. Before Harry can react, he's got lips pressed against his own and a hand on the back of his head.

He's pretty sure he's dreaming. Or Louis is somehow short circuiting. He's kissing him! Louis is really kissing him for the first time in months and Harry is so stunned he's not doing anything. He should do something.

His hand finds Louis' waist and he gives a gentle squeeze. His lips start moving with Louis' and he groans when Louis' tongue presses against the seam of his lips. Harry's lip part, granting Louis' access. The kiss isn't tentative like Harry might have thought it would be. It's familiar. It's how Louis used to kiss him before he lost himself and forgot he was Harry's husband. Harry's lover. Harry's purpose. 

Bringing his other hand to the other side of Louis's waist, Harry struggles to stand up while his mouth is still dancing with Louis'. The movement causes Louis to break the kiss, grabbing Harry to steady him. "You okay, love? Don't fall and hurt yourself."

Louis is looking at him like he really truly sees him for the first time and it's invigorating and addicting and Harry wants to kiss him again so he does. The vibrations of a moan leave Louis' throat and Harry feels Louis' arousal prodding at his thigh. Harry can't help but to rub his thigh back against it, giving Louis the friction he knows he wants.

"Fuck," Louis hisses out. He grabs Harry's wrist and starts tugging him down the hall towards their bedroom.

It's not a long walk, but it's long enough that it gives Harry enough time to actually process what is happening. When they step inside, Louis pushes the door closed with an eager hand then spins around and he's on Harry again, backing him up towards the bed until Harry falls backwards onto it. Louis wastes no time crawling on the bed with him, his lips kissing at Harry's throat.

"Louis."

"Hmm?" Louis mumbles in between sucking at the spot where Harry's throat and shoulder meet. Harry shivers. 

"Is this only happening because you're drunk? If it is, I just want to know."

He feels Louis freeze at his words. Louis sits up and looks down at him, bringing one hand to his cheek. "I'm not drunk."

"You had three glasses of wine."

"I'm a little buzzed but not drunk." He has a soft look in his eyes as he starts down at him. 

"Fine. Buzzed then."

"No," he refutes with a shake of his head. "Maybe that's what's giving me the courage to touch you again. It's happening- if you want it to happen, because today is today." 

Harry bites his lip to stop himself from grinning stupidly. He slides his large hand up to the nape of Louis' neck, running his fingers through the hairs there, and pulls him down for another kiss. "It's been so long."

"So long, love," Louis agrees with him in whispered words. His hands slide under Harry's shirt and Harry lifts up enough for Louis to slide his shirt off.

Harry watches as Louis' trembling fingers fumble to undo Harry's pants. Louis peels them down Harry's legs along with his briefs. Louis reaches behind himself to tug his shirt over his head, then removes his own jeans and boxers with less care than he did Harry's.

They don't speak. Their lips too busy kissing and nibbling on each others. Louis takes his time with Harry, opening him up slowly, so slowly Harry thinks it's almost painful since it has been so long without any attention like this. So long without Louis. 

"I'm ready," Harry says, his voice raspy from non-use. Louis grips his dick, gently easing it inside of Harry's entrance. 

The lust in Louis eyes is clear as he presses in all the way and Harry can't stop staring at him, wanting to stay in this moment for as long as he can. He wants to remember everything about this moment in case it's months before he gets Louis again.

"You can move." Harry gently rakes his nails down Louis' back, stopping and resting his hands on the top of Louis' ass.

Louis starts up a steady rhythm that has Harry moaning. He's already fighting off his inevitable orgasm, but he's wanting to drag this out as long as he can.

"Feel so good, Harry," Louis compliments, hips starting to snap against Harry harder. He starts to shut his eyes, only to open them back up immediately and lock his eyes with Harry. Harry would like to think maybe Louis is taking everything that he can from this moment, too. 

"Close, Louis," Harry warns, sinking his nails into Louis' ass a little firmer, causing Louis to hiss in pleasure.

"You can let go," Louis encourages. "I've got you. " He dips his head down to meet Harry's mouth as he continues thrusting into Harry. "I love you, Harry. I love you, not just today. I loved you all of the yesterdays, too." The change in angle has Louis rubbing exactly where Harry needs him to and Louis is saying things Harry didn't know were still true. He has to break the kiss to cry out, but Louis captures his open mouth again, kissing him with purpose as Harry shoots off between their bodies.

"Oh, fuck, Harry," is all Louis gets out before he reaches his own high. He grips Harry's hip and Harry can feel his hot release filling him up.

Louis is panting like he's ran a marathon when he finally stops coming. He leans forward and rests his forehead against Harry's. His eyes are shut now while he tries to catch his breath. 

Harry brushes Louis slightly sweaty fringe back from his forehead. His husband looks so young right now, like this could easily be their wedding night all over again, if it weren't for the unsure and vulnerable look Harry thinks Louis is hiding behind his closed lids.

"Louis?" 

A sigh leaves Louis mouth and he finally opens his eyes, letting the tears welling up in them be seen.

Worry runs through Harry and he cups Louis' face. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

With a shake of his head, Louis bottom lip quivers. "No, I'm not okay. I'm not okay, Harry." 

His head falls forward onto Harry's chest and sobs wrack through his small frame. Harry wraps his arms around him, trying to hold him steady. He's unsure of what to say, so all he knows to do is this. It's possible it's enough considering Louis holds him back just as tight. He cries and cries. 

"I know, Lou. I know," he whispers to the top of Louis' head, then kisses his hair.

Louis' head raises up, just enough for Harry to see his wet eyes. 

"How do you know?" he asks softly. "How do you know when everyday you're okay? And I'm not okay."

"Because I still have you."

Louis starts crying again, but Harry continues on. "Because I have hope. I have to believe that this was meant to happen. He belonged somewhere else."

An antagonized sob leaves Louis' mouth and Harry just holds him tighter, uncertain of anything else at the moment. He hugs him to his chest as close as he can get him. "You can get through this, too. I know it hurts, but we can make it, Lou. I honestly believe that. It hasn't been easy, but you've already made it this far. You're surviving, love. You are."

Something Harry said must have brought some comfort to Louis since his sobs eventually quiet down to just lingering sniffles, but he doesn't loosen his grip on Harry and Harry doesn't let go of him all night.

*********

Waking up with Louis back in their bed was nice. At least Harry thought so until Louis gave him a shy grin and got out of the bed, claiming he needed to shower. He wasn't mean and it wasn't awkward, but he still acted like he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

It's probably a little naive for Harry to think that last night could have been the break he's been searching for with Louis. The chance for them to get back on track with each other. It certainly feels like they're closer. They touched more last night than they have in months. 

Yet, here he is once again alone in this bed.

While stretching out his limbs, Harry feels a dull ache in his backside that feels foreign to him after all this time. That along with the dried come on his upper stomach is the only evidence that last night really did happen. 

He really needs to get up and shower and work on feeling human again. First, he leans over and grabs his phone. Seeing a message from ladfour waiting for him sends a wave of unease rolling through his stomach. Should he feel guilty for what happened last night with his husband? He doesn't think so, but part of him feels like he betrayed ladfour in some way. 

Opening the message, he bites his lip as he reads.

**ladfour: Okay, wise one. I've got a question for you this time. It's kind of a deep one.**

**PaisleyPrince: I'll do my best to bestow my wisdom onto you, mere peasant. Shoot.**

**ladfour: How do I stop letting the people in my life down?**

Harry sits up in the bed, frowning at his phone. He stares at the screen for a moment until he finds the words to reply. 

**PaisleyPrince: How do you know you're doing that? They love you and they probably don't feel that way.**

**ladfour: Yeah, they do. I know they do because I've really been a shit person to be around lately. I want to do better. I want to be better, but I don't know how.**

**PaisleyPrince: I think I'm still working on trying to be my best self everyday, so I'm not an expert on this. I think it starts with thinking about how you think you're disappointing people. Make a list if that helps you to actually see it. Then think about what you can do to change those things. Think about what you'd like to change to be the person you want to be. If you're feeling really brave, maybe you should talk to the people in your life and see what they think.**

Harry feels like a hypocrite as soon as he hits send. How can he advise anyone about communicating more when he lives with a man who avoids talking to him like he's cursed. It's not like he's any better at talking to Louis. Maybe he should take his own advise and take a long look in the mirror and self evaluate. 

After he's showered though. 

His phone lights up once again with a message.

**ladfour: I'm going to try that. Make a list and try to fix this shit. I've got to do something before I self destruct. **

He sends another one right immediately after.

**ladfour: Thank you. I'm really glad I can turn to you when I need someone. There's not many people I can really talk to right now. So, thank you for that and for the advice. I think you really are wise.**

Harry feels a smile tugging at his lips. 

**PaisleyPrince: I learned that from a meditation exercise, so I can't take the credit. I do hope it helps you. I don't want you feeling bad about yourself. Not when I think so much of you already and we haven't even met yet.**

The bedroom door suddenly opens and Harry jumps, immediately slamming his phone face-down on the bed. His face must have guilt written all over it from the way by the way Louis eyes him.

"Sorry, I need something from the closet." Louis nods his head towards the closet door and finally tears his curious eyes off of Harry as he heads that way. 

"Sure, go ahead. Whatever you need to do. I need to shower, so I'm leaving anyway." He clutches his phone in his hand again and stands up, his cheeks turning pink once he realizes that he's naked. This time, without the two glasses of wine in his system relaxing him.

Of course Louis turns then when he speaks, his brows lifting to his hairline once he takes in Harry's current state. He doesn't offer Harry any words of encouragement, but he purses his lips and fights a smirk, making Harry think once again that maybe everything could be alright.

Harry heads to the bathroom, fighting the urge to cover his bum. He doesn't even glance behind himself to see if Louis is looking. He gets to the bathroom and shuts the door, leaning against it and lets out a sigh. His phone is still in his hand, so he pulls up his message thread again, seeing the dots indicating that ladfour is typing. The message comes through a moment later.

**ladfour: I found an old journal. It's list time! Speaking of meeting.. Are you ready to try that again yet? I'd like to have a conversation with you in person. **

Harry feels like he's stuffed his mouth full of cotton. He's once again found himself pondering how his life has come to him naked in the bathroom after fucking his husband last night while another man asks him about meeting up. 

He doesn't know what he should do. Maybe he should stop talking to ladfour right now and really give Louis his all and work on fixing their marriage again. But the idea of Louis completely shutting down and shutting him out again cripples him. Harry isn't sure if he could relive the loneliest time in his life over again if Louis withdraws again.

As wrong as it might be, the idea of never speaking to ladfour again hurts him too. Somehow this stranger has been a solace for him. He's been a friend and someone Harry's learned he can lean on when there's no one else.

If it's possible, Harry thinks he might have fallen for him a little. Either that or he's become dependent on him. No matter what, he knows he owes everything he has to Louis first and foremost, but he thinks he also owes it to himself and to ladfour to at least meet the man who has given him a shoulder to lean on, metaphorically of course, before he has a talk with Louis about what they want.

**PaisleyPrince: St. Claire's Park on Kennington Street? I can be there Saturday around 10? **

**ladfour: See you there. **

*********

Louis hates getting up early. That's why Harry has no idea why Louis is sitting at the table at half nine in the morning shoveling Coco Pops into his mouth, looking down at his phone.

Cursing under his breath, Harry tiptoes back down the hall and into his bedroom. The black and white paisley shirt he's wearing is too much for a casual errand run. He grabs a grey hoodie, slipping it on over his shirt. Now that he looks a little more dressed down, he heads back to the kitchen. Louis looks up and gives him a polite grin. 

"Morning."

"Morning," Harry replies. "Surprised to see you up this early."

"So am I, to be honest." Louis snorts and grabs his empty bowl, bringing it to the sink. 

While he fiddles with the coffee maker, Harry looks that way from the corner of his eye, noting that Louis' fringe looks more styled than his typical artful bedhead. He's also wearing skinny jeans instead of his trackies which would be unheard of for Louis on a Saturday. Harry's paranoia is settling in the more he looks at him so he forces his eyes back to the coffee pot, trying to let his suspicions die down and not start hurling accusations at Louis. 

Definitely not when he remembers where he is going to be in an hour. 

"Harry?" Louis' voice sounds slightly shaky as he interrupts Harry's internal meltdown. 

Harry grabs his cup of coffee and turns, leaning his back against the counter and lifting his brows while his lips curl over the edge of his cup, blowing lightly. 

"I know I've been acting kind of weird since our anniversary night. I mean, more weird than I usually am I guess." He lets out a self deprecating chuckle as he brings one hand to the back of his neck. Harry can see the apprehension written all over him. "I've been trying to do a little soul searching I guess you'd call it? Anyway, I know I've let you down, but I am working on fixing myself. I think I have to do that before I can ever start trying to repair us."

If Harry could speak, he's not sure what he'd say. That's not what he was expecting to come out of Louis' mouth. 

Louis must feel more on edge from Harry's silence since he starts speaking again. "I think we are long overdue a talk. I know you've tried before, but I don't think I was strong enough to have that conversation then. I'm working on getting there now."

Harry nods dumbly, and sits his cup down on the counter. The coffee isn't settling well in his stomach as he listens to Louis spew words he wishes he'd heard months ago. 

"I'll be back later," Louis softly says, starting towards the door.

"I never thought you were broken."

With a hand on the door knob, Louis turns and glances back at Harry, lips parted.

"I think you got a little lost, but it's not to late to find yourself again."

His lips curl up into a smile, eyes crinkling at the edges and Harry thinks he looks beautiful. He always does, but he's missed this carefree look.

"That's what I'm trying to do," Louis says before heading out the door.

*********

Tossing the hoodie in the backseat, Harry runs his hands over his shirt to smooth out any wrinkles, then looks in the mirror in the visor to check his reflection once more. He's not as nervous this time as he was the last time he and ladfour tried to meet for some reason. He thought he would be after everything with Louis this morning.

He opens his car door and steps out, pushing thoughts of this morning aside for now. The park isn't busy, but there's two women jogging along the sidewalk trail and a couple sat on a blanket underneath a tree. It's not as public as the coffee shop, but there are other people there, which Harry is thankful for since he is meeting someone online. Not that he thinks he has any reason to be fearful of ladfour, but it's always good to practice caution, Harry thinks. 

On a bench along the edge of the sidewalk a good distance away, Harry sees the backside of a man and he feels his heart rate increase, thinking that has to be ladfour. 

His hands are shoved into the pockets of his trousers as he starts walking away from his car, heading towards the bench, whistling as he goes. 

The closer he gets, the more details he can take in. The man's brown hair. The top of his navy jacket and his arms that are resting on the top edge of the bench. The ring that sparkles on his the man's left hand as the sun hits it. 

Ring? What?

Harry freezes in his tracks and stops whistling right as the man turns around. He gapes at Harry, looking just as stunned as Harry is. He shoots to his feet, rounding the bench and starting towards him. 

"What are you doing here?"

"What are YOU doing here, Louis?" Harry's brain isn't working. His synapses are firing off too many messages at once and he truly feels lightheaded.

"I was-" Louis pauses as his eyes land on Harry's shirt. "Oh my god. Fucking hell, this isn't happening." Louis places a hand on his hip, the other moving to cover his mouth. He turns away from Harry cursing again. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harry snaps.

Louis turns back around to Harry. "Your shirt. Paisley Prince?" He tilts his head up to the sky and lets out a short manic laugh.

Meanwhile, Harry really thinks he might throw up. "Wh-what? You're ladfour?"

"In the fucking flesh." Louis lifts his arms up, gesturing to himself.

Harry is still trying to process when a sick thought hits him. "Did you know this whole time?'

"Absolutely not. I didn't have a clue. I found out just now like you did," Louis answers. 

This is so awkward. Harry doesn't know what to say or do. Louis looks like he's about to leave an indention in the grass where he's started to pace. A sick thought hits him that maybe he should pull out his phone and message ladfour, that being the easiest way to speak to Louis. 

"I thought you were cheating on me," Harry whispers out, causing Louis to stop his pacing and lock his eyes on Harry. Clearing his throat, he continues. "You've been so happy lately. I've noticed it. And that day I saw you at the diner when I was supposed to meet- well you, I thought you were meeting someone else." 

"I haven't. It's only been you. Always you," Louis assures him. "I have been happier, yes, but I'm working on myself now. For you."

"Then why did you agree to meet me today? You never told me you were married either."

"I was going to tell you today when I saw you," Louis reasons. When he sees the semi skeptical look on Harry's face, he sighs. "I really was. Harry, that night, our anniversary night..it made me want to be better. Touching you again, holding you again. I want that."

"You want me to be yours again?" Harry asks with a tilt of his head.

"You're still mine. You never stopped being mine." Louis timidly reaches out and takes Harry's hand in his smaller one. His fingers brush over Harry's wedding ring and Harry feels the hint of tears threatening to tumble out of his eyes. 

"Why now? Why not sooner, Louis? I don't- I don't understand why we couldn't have fixed us sooner, or why we had to fall apart like this in the first place."

Letting out a deep breath, Louis tilts his head towards the bench he was previously occupying. "Why don't we sit down and have that talk now?"

They both walk over to the bench, Louis keeps his hold on Harry's hand the entire time. He only drops it once they're seated. Harry tucks his knee up, turning his body towards Louis. He watches Louis, keeping quiet and letting Louis decide when he's ready to speak.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so fucking sorry. Every time I looked at you, it's like I was reminded of what I lost. It hurt to look at you." His voice cracks at the end and he looks away. Harry has to wipe a stray tear that has slipped from his own eye. "I didn't know how to function. I've just now gotten to the point where sadness isn't the first thing I feel when I wake up in the morning."

He understands, more than Louis knows. Every morning, Harry had to force himself up and fight through the hole that was left in his heart. "I lost him too, Louis. I was hurting, too. I needed someone to lean on. Someone to understand the ache I was feeling. I knew you would understand, but instead of leaning on each other, you just checked out. I was alone trying to sort through my grief, too."

"I've been so lost in my own head and my feelings, I didn't consider that," Louis admits. He reaches out and sits a hand on Harry's knee, looking straight into his eyes. "I'm here now. It may take a while to get where I need to be, but I swear to you, Harry, I'm going to fucking try and try again until I get it right. Losing Leo doesn't mean we have to lose each other, too."

A chill runs up Harry's spine at the mention of Leo's name. He's not heard it spoken since the day after they brought him home from the hospital. Those three letters on navy blocks are still hanging up on the yellow wall above the crib in the room they avoid in their house. He should have cleaned it out a long time ago, but the thought of having to do it alone, without Louis, was too much for Harry's already bruised heart to bear. Like their marriage, they both turned their backs on it, thinking that pretending like it's not there would make their hurting stop. 

"Did we really lose him if he wasn't really ours?" The tears are trying to expose themselves once again, but this time, Harry lets them stay welled up in his eyes because Louis is looking right at him this time. Louis is seeing the hurt on his face and he isn't running this time.

"He was ours. Maybe not for long, but that boy was my son for the two days we had him. Doesn't matter that he's someone else's now." Louis voice is quiet, but so sure that Harry can feel the words in his bones. 

The day they'd gotten approved to adopt, they'd both been so elated, they threw a small party at their home, inviting their families to celebrate. They weren't naive though. They knew that they shouldn't count their chickens before they hatched, or in this case, purchase a crib without their baby boy to put in it. Too many times on adoptive parent forums Harry had taken up reading, he'd seen where birth mothers had changed their minds after giving birth to their babies, claiming they'd had a change of heart. Both Harry and Louis knew that they could end up investing months into this woman and her pregnancy, only to have it ripped away from them come the birth day. 

What they didn't expect was to get handed a baby boy, fall in love with him, bring him home and only get two days with him. They thought once they left the hospital with baby Leo in his car seat in the back that they were safe. They had their baby. They were officially dads. Both of their mothers coming over to meet their son solidified that even more to them. That night, Harry had been sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, feeding Leo a bottle while Louis knelt beside the chair on his knees, softly singing him a lullaby. Harry didn't know complete bliss and total peace until that moment. 

And he didn't know heart ache until it was all ripped away from him. They were only fathers for forty-six hours when they got the phone call that broke everything. The call that sent Harry spiraling, unable to catch himself from falling. The call that broke Louis, that left his husband completely empty, nothing but a shell of a man left in his place.

Their adoption agent had called to inform them that the birth mother decided she wanted to keep the baby. Harry thought it was some sort of joke. Harry never knew that was even a possibility. That he could take his son home and have him taken away from him later. He saw the hospital doors as the gates of freedom. Until the agent informed him that birth mothers have a 72 hour window to change their minds. It's very seldom that a birth mother actually uses that window, typically having made her mind up while still at the hospital. 

What kind of cruel world would let him experience being a parent for two days and then take that away from him? Louis didn't want to be there when the agent and the mother came to take their son. Harry heard Louis' sobs and watched him cuddle their boy for the last time. He then passed the swaddled bundle to Harry, and left. This was the precedent of the months to follow. Louis running and Harry left alone to deal with the mess. It was also the last time Louis had really looked at him with love in his eyes. 

Until maybe this moment.

A hand grabs Harry's cradling it gently before giving it a reassuring squeeze, and from that touch alone and the way Louis' blue eyes are starting to glaze over he thinks they'll be alright, somehow. 

"I wish I wouldn't have left that day," Louis admits, clearly thinking the same painful memory as Harry. "I think I owed it to him to be there and see him through every second that he was mine."

Shaking his head, Harry disagrees. "You should be glad you weren't. That was the hardest part, watching them leave and knowing he'd never be coming back."

"I think the hardest part is knowing that he'll never remember us. He meant so much to us, still does, and yet he'll never know that. He won't know who we were, or that he was our first child." Louis pauses, looking off in the distance. The couple that was sat under the tree are now working together to fold the blanket they were laying on together. When they step closer to join their edges, they lean in and share a kiss. He finally tears his eyes from the scene and back to Harry. "I think about him everyday. I hope he's doing well. I hope his mum is taking good care of him. I hope Leo- or whatever she named him, I hope he's happy. That little boy had the purest heart. I didn't need years to find that out."

"He's Leo," Harry rushes out. "His mum, she told me she was keeping his name. His first and middle name. She said it was the least she could do for us."

Louis scoffs, repeating, "the least she could do for us," in a mocking tone, but his eyes show the pleasant disbelief. "He's still Leo William?"

Harry nods, surprised at the small smile forming on Louis' lips. He never thought he'd be sat here with Louis, talking about Leo or that Louis would be smiling over it. "He'll always have that piece of us. The name that we gave him."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Louis asks, but seems to figure out the answer as soon as the words come from his mouth. "I didn't want to talk about any of it. Right, sorry."

"It did bring me a little comfort, but no matter what, it still feels like a loss," Harry explains. "I tell myself to be glad that he's alive and healthy, and that I lost him this way instead of another way."

"But it is still a loss. One that we're still trying to figure out how to get over." Louis' thumb strokes over Harry's hand. "And we might not ever fully get over it, but we can be there for each other. We went through this together and I think we can come out on the other side of it together." His eyebrows lift as he asks, "Do you want to work on us with me?"

The clouds shift, causing the sun to peek out and shine in his eyes. Harry has to squint, which causes Louis to chuckle and Harry thinks it's that sound, instead of the sun, that's warming him to his bones.

"I'd like nothing more." As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Louis' lips are on his, filling him full of hope and silent promises that they'll find their way again. Finding each other again was the first step.

Later on, PaisleyPrince and ladfour both delete their accounts on the same day. The following months aren't easy, but Harry and Louis never waiver. They make sure to talk things through. They clean out the nursery together, keeping a few of Leo's things once they both decide they're not against possibly trying again one day. On Leo's first birthday, they both go to their favorite tattoo shop and get the Leo constellation tattooed on their skin, Harry's being small on the inside of his wrist and Louis' on his left inner bicep, both choosing black ink to honor him and the days they had together. 

In time, they manage to find themselves again, along with that deep all consuming love they felt when they were still young and falling in love. A couple of years later, Harry thanks ladfour when they renew their wedding vows even though Louis is the only one in the room who understands what Harry is referring to.

A couple of years after that, Louis returns the favor, thanking PaisleyPrince at their daughter Ava's first birthday party.


End file.
